I remember

9 years ago today
I remember going in to premature labor and going to the hospital. I was excited when the doctor said, "we're going to have this baby early." They wheeled me in to the the delivery room and put me under because they had to get this baby out now. When I woke up, I saw Brent, he was crying and tried to tell me something. They put my dead son in my arms. I was struggling to shake off the anesthesia and comprehend what was going on. I cradled him and held him close. I didn't get to hold him long, they took him from me and wheeled me to an elevator and then to a room. I slept and woke up and asked for my son again. They brought him to me, but everyone acted uncomfortable, so I didn't hold him long and gave him back.
 I remember the unthinkable. A funeral for a child. Everyone that came was there for me and my husband, no one knew my son. No one got a chance to meet him. There's nothing to say at a funeral about a child who is stillborn. No memories. People just said they loved us. The anguish.
  I will always remember. We love you Jason.

We have several anniversaries that we live through every year with the loss of 5 children. Some days don't hit me very hard. Some do. Today I couldn't stop crying and was one of those anniversaries. Sometimes even a house full of 4 kids feels empty. I have 5 other kids in Heaven, all mixed in in birth order with my 4 children here. They're missing from my life and I miss them so much.

I remember.